"Being Strong vs. Being Weak"

Both aiming to achieve the same result.
Different Approach.
Which is better?

I admit I've changed and 2005 has been a year involving me and my changes.

Have I become stronger?
Wiser?

perhaps.

Watching David Tao's "ai wo hai shi ta" (love me or her) MTV will forever evoke my senses of past misery. The MTV IS almost like a similar situation I've faced. Seeing how the 'victim' girl behave reminds me of myself. My misery. My pain. Except I wasn't as lucky.. the guy did not return.

When facing a failing relationship.. of the guy involved straying... what do we women resort to... to get the guy back? Cry? Beg? Appear indifferent? Allow yourself to stray as well? Hang on to our dignity and try to be normal? Pretend nothing happened and keep rationalising urself about everything he did?

Must it be at the brink of near insanity, then will the guy realise the damage they did and come back? perhaps some are heartless and callous *is that hw u spell it?*..?

perhaps that's why some women (weaker ones?) felt desperate and know no other way than to create attention by behavin pitiful e.g. slash wrist to threaten, behavin siao siao, behavin mental thus require lotsa attention. and such a vicious cycle make them too used to this method (cos if not the guy happily heck care them) they plunge into depression cos this behaviour feeds on paranoia/ sensitivity/ insecurity/ fear/ jealousy/ doubts...

wad did i choose?
Pride.

i do admit of having put my ego aside and did many crazy things n to bearing a pain so deep n so profound that ppl tot i was nuts. many chose to spare themselve the truth n thus the pain.. i chose instead, to face it or rather, to make decisions that cause me more pain but at least i knew.. all my decisions was considered and clearly decided. i was aware of the consequences i have to bear.

did i do it right?

i don't know.

did i win?

most people would say yes. but did i?

perhaps it's my character. stupid of our kind hold the word 'integrity' with high regard. sometimes i wonder if it's worth it haha..

i chose a path that involves havin my integrity maintained n unstained.

i will not do things and resort to doin things that is beneath me.

but thinking back now i've the itch n regret of not havin done those things sometimes lol. the slapping, the 'break ppl apart with rumours' strategy, scolding the bitch, the destroy everything in his room, being more harsh n direct exclusion of him in my life.. WHY AH? why i never do those things?

but.. (back to the topic of MTV).. the almost-gone-crazy-like crying.. the immense heartache.. the crazily hugging anithing related to the person e.g. bolster, clothes n wad nots..

painful memories.

stupid mtv.